Coping With Your Defiant, Rebellious Teenage Son
86Are You at the End of your Rope?
Defiant and Rebellious Teenager
Have you given birth to a child who is oppositional, defiant, argumentative and unhappy most of the time? Do you throw up your hands in frustration feeling utterly helpless and hopeless in your efforts to raise this child?
Coping with a defiant, rebellious teenager saps your energy, drains your account (as you seek counseling or place the child in a wilderness program ) and throws your whole world spinning.. How do you manage a household while your rebellious child disrupts the whole family?
When you have a troubled teen in the home you never know when an eruption will occur. When it does you may find yourself staring at your child in disbelief. You may wonder what you did wrong. How could this happen? Many parents with problemed teens feel helpless and unable to cope at times wondering "How do I make it?"
Full Blown Rebellion
My oldest child entered into full blown defiant rebellion at the age of 13. His anger was frightening. His eyes were filled with rage as he went about taking steps to live his life exactly the way he determined to live it. Nobody was going to tell him what to do. Little did I know that this was just the beginning of the worst nightmare of my life.
I was blown away. I could not process the concept of having a problem like this with one of my children. I had the priority of raising my children in a loving and safe home where they could be free to express themselves.
I was there to fill their love cups when they headed toward empty. I connected with each of them and developed a deep bond of trust. Although I am not perfect our home was a pretty good picture of stability - how could this happen?
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Firm Boundaries
One thing I knew deep down in my heart was that I could not allow the unacceptable behavior of teenage rebellion to slip by unnoticed. If I were to accept it without consequence ... he surely would feel it was ok. I was very firm with my boundaries. Swearing or verbally attacking a family member was NOT acceptable in our home. He was allowed to get mad and even raise his voice if he needed to release those destructive emotions but when he would violate the boundary - I would point to the door and say firmly - Take a walk - cool down and don't come back until you can control your words. Although, at the time, these boundaries did nothing to prevent his head-long leap to destruction - years later the boundaries paid off BIG TIME.
We also had a curfew. When we said 11:00 pm we meant it. One night he showed up at 11:03. Oh how it killed me when he came to the glass door and asked to come in. I knew if I let him in he would continue to push the limits. He has been like that since a baby. I told him no son, you are late. He looked at me so dejected and proceeded to walk out to the road in front of our house and lay down in the street. I went into immediate panic. I called our Tough Love sponsor (I talk about this group later on in the hub) and spurt out the words so fast I am amazed he heard me. A soft chuckle came from the other end of the line. "Mekenzie," he began, "You have two options. You can either call the police and tell them your son is laying in the middle of the road or go to bed because I assure you that if a car comes he will get up. He's manipulating you." Really, I thought with astonishment .... although it seemed inconceivable to me, I trusted this man, in fact it turned out to be one of those epiphany moments for me. Call me naive and you'd be right. I never considered that Daniel was deliberately manipulation but I learned that he most certainly was.
I chose to go to bed with my heart breaking and tears rolling, asking God to take over. In the morning I awoke with knots in my stomach. I went to the front door to peer out and there was my son curled up in a little area about 3 by 4 ft. between the front door and the french door. I smiled and, with a breath of relief, opened the door asking, "Would you like to come in now?" He very humbly nodded yes and came in, took a shower and went to school.
Something you should know about me is that I can be pretty feisty and if you dish it out .. I can dish it right back. So when Daniel was in one of his rages and out of control ... I gave it right back and tried to talk louder than him ... the result was that his anger escalated and there was no resolve. I remember reflecting on this method of parenting. I realized it was NOT beneficial to him to have a hollering match, so what do I do? As a parent I believe that my job is to seek to understand and help NOT harm my child. It was very clear that this form of communication was NOT helping.
One day I determined to 'change the dance' the next time he flew into a rage. In those days I didn't have to wait very long, when it happened, I remained calm as I looked at him and just listened. What followed was astounding. His fury reversed and decreased to a place we could talk. That day I began to understand that self-control, on my part, was the key. It was clear that when his world was spiraling out of control ... my son desperately needed to know that I was stable and in control of myself. This truth turned out to be the saving grace which kept our relationship in tact as my son's world continued spiraling down down down.
One day Daniel was caught up in one of his power trips and his anger was raging out of control. He turned to his father, picked up a knife and said, I am going to KILL YOU! I rallied every ounce of 'in your face - courage' within me and stared him straight in the eyes. "DANIEL" yes, I did yell this time - "You get upstairs and you pack your bags and you get OUT! You will NEVER EVER threaten a family member ... NEVER!!! Do you understand me?" He stared back at me in utter amazement.... then he hung his head, went upstairs, packed his bags and he was gone. This wasn't easy for me, I cried my heart out and felt something die inside of me. But I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that if I had let that threat stand, he would have felt the power to bully and destroy. I am confidant that it was the right decision and response as my son NEVER EVER threatened another family member again.
I Can Fix This
As I was trying to cope with a defiant, rebellious teenage son, I found my life beginning to unravel. I frantically sought for help and In my disparity I pooled together all of my resources and tried to control the situation, thinking, "I can fix this!" I was intelligent, resourceful and had many connections. I also thought I had a bit of my own wisdom to draw upon. But NOTHING WORKED - absolutely NOTHING! My son just kept spiraling out of control. He was recklessly speeding down, down a slippery slope where danger and destruction lurked. I feared for his life. I grieved and cried every single day on my thirty minute drive to work. As I pulled into the hospital I'd have to pull myself together and work like a crazy woman all day only to collapse in my car and sob my way back home. Whenever I would see a teenage boy walking the streets with a backpack .. the tears would course down my cheeks as pain stabbed at my heart. I would pray for his mother and for the lost boy. My heart was completely and utterly broken and the pain was unbearable ... but somehow I kept moving forward doing everything in my own power and strength to "fix him."
- Struggling Teen Help Options, Troubled Teens Camps and Programs, Parenting Tips and Stories
StrugglingTeen.net is a website which aims to help parents and their troubled teens by sharing various experiences gathered from troubled teens and parents. Usually other sites offer banal description of symptoms and give puerile descriptions of ...
RESOURCES
ToughLove- Support group for parent's, grandparent's and for those seeking to support the family.
The Total Transformation Program - Finally…a guaranteed, simple way to stop your child's
defiant, out of control behavior - RIGHT NOW
Love and Logic Love and Logic® is a program and a book that will will help you determine what type of parenting style you use, what will and will not work with your kids, and great comebacks every parent should know.
What to Do
Surrounding yourself with people who understand is very important. You need to surround yourself with support to help you cope. Talking to people who have 'been there' is really helpful. Parents who have lived through the tornado that ripped through their house can often times give you great advise for difficult situations.
There are some great support groups I can recommend. We attended a group called Tough Love. We met with a group of parents who were going through a nightmare of their own. We would come together once a week to support each other through the hellish situations brought on by our out-of-control child.
The first night we attended we heard stories much, much worse than our own. It scared us - almost scared us off. Some people had been dealing with out-of-control children for decades. As we listened we heard stories of many parents who had allowed their kids to gradually gain control in the house. These parent's, through Tough Love, were learning how to put boundaries in place and to keep them firm.
This group supported us and gave us wisdom in some very difficult situations with Daniel. The leaders even came to do an intervention with our son. We wrote up a contract together allowing Daniel to give input .. in the end he agreed to sign it. Did he change ... NO, not at that time, but he respected the contract and understood the rules. I searched for a Tough Love group in our area but could not locate one. I have listed an online tough love program on the right. If you are struggling to help your child grow up - get into this group. Go to the page and sign up. I am so excited that they will have Tough Love experts on the internet to consult.
It is so easy to freeze and feel helpless when your child goes ballistic. Since most of us have never had to deal with this type of behavior before ... we don't have answers. I found another resource while surfing for this article. It's a program called The Total Transformation Program by James Lehman, MSW. Dr. Lehman developed this program because he knows first hand what an out-of-control child looks like and feels like because ... he was one. Dr. Lehman says he can show you how to stop an argument with your kid instantly – also included are words that will stop the mouthy kid right in his tracts. A book called Love and Logic is another resource with strategies to help your teen take control of his emotions.
Don't forget Your Other Children
One of the things I deeply regret in retrospect is the fact that because so much of my emotional energy was focused on my son I feel I neglected to tune into situations with my girls. It's like these monsters called panic, fear, confusion and desperation take over and you loose all perspective. Don't forget you have other family members who need you ... you only get one chance to live those years with them. 'You don't want to 'loose' years of their lives do you?'
My girls are wonderfully well adjusted and tell me I was there for them but I feel the loss. Perhaps my head was disconnected at the time and so I don't remember a lot of the important moments during their teen years.
You will make it through - though I doubt you think that you will. Keep yourself balanced as much as possible. Routine is vital to stability ... keep regular routines going to provide security for the rest of your family. Plan fun vacations and events for your other children. They deserve your attention too and they need you to be present as they grow up.
Take care of yourself but never give up on your rebel. My mother used to say, Mekenzie, it seems everyone has given up on Daniel .. but you never do. She made me smile and she was absolutely right. I had raised this boy and I knew his heart and the potential he had. If he could get through this nightmare, I believed it would make him a very strong man someday.
Your out-of-control child is going through a crazy time in his life but he will be back if you keep the lines of communication open, draw clear boundaries (be prepared for him to fight them - BIG time!) and let him know that you love him, no matter what.
I Can't Do it Anymore!
It took many years, about six, before I finally collapsed in despair and realized that I could NOT fix this. That truth knocked me to the ground as I cried out to God "Help me - please reach and rescue my son, my only son, the son that I love more than life itself. I have no other place to turn. I can't do it anymore."
I had finally come to the end of myself and that is when God stepped in. I could not fix my son. I could keep order and maintain peace within the walls of my home by keeping the boundaries firm - but I could not make him better. When I gave up trying to control the situation ... God took me ... one finger at a time... and released my white knuckled grip on my son. Then something miraculous happened - It's like God cut the umbilical cord .. and literally, I could no longer feel pain or even connection to my son. Though this disconnect was completely foreign to me I knew it was definitely a "God Thing" because I could never had done it. As God intervened and I released my son to His care taking my hands off ... I saw miracles begin to take place in his life.
Today, with a heart filled with gratitude to Father God, I can tell you I have a son who makes me very proud. He has come back to his roots and he truly loves God. He's not perfect - but his heart is filled with wisdom, compassion and love. He strives to do the right thing to be a good Dad and husband. Let that give you hope beloved. When you feel hopeless ... remember there is a God in Heaven who loves your boy or girl way more than you are capable of loving or understanding.
Don't ever give up on your kid. Remember God's power is released when we give up the control and release our Defiant, Rebellious Teen to Him. God will reach our Teenager at the heart level .. He can do what we cannot. Praise HIM!
He's Been Faithful To Me
The Artist Behind the Song
Written by Carol Cymbala Music Director of the Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir
This song was written by and directed by a gifted MOM who's daughter had walked away from God. God moved her church to labor in prayer for Chrissy's return. God answered and brought Crissy to her knees and back to the heart of God.
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When TOUGHLOVE International closed down, along with its parent support groups, another group called Stand Up Parenting emerged to fill the gap in support for parents in the community. I believe they incorporate elements of "tough love" in their program along with other parenting wisdom, or another program similar to TL is BILY (Because I Love You). I hope this information helps. When your family ship is about to hit the rocks, a good support group can be the tugboat that helps you turn the ship around and head to safer waters.
rsta, You have quite a heavy load there Mom and I hear the weight is overwhelming to you. You have posed many variables here with your son. If you wouldn't mind, I'd like you to inbox me so I can give you more complete information. You can do that by looking under my picture on the right of this page and click on Contact Mekenzie.
I would suggest the Total Transformation Program that I mention in the hub. I would also encourage you to look at this website ... http://www.eprogramsearch.com/Articles.php/title/W ... and read what 'Tough Love' means. I've written the Tough Love Online Support group (listed in this hub) again asking when they will start up. I will let you know ... I am frustrated it is not operating yet as so many people need direction and support. Until then, you cling to God with all your might and ask Him to work in your boy. This is way bigger than you dearheart.
God Bless and Keep You close to His heart!
Mekenzie
I have a (recent) 17 yr old son I am raising by myself. His father tries to be involved in his life but because of all the past emotional & physical dis-function, my son chooses to not to spend very much time with his father. I have an additional problem on top of the ODD behavior. My son has serious health concerns being diagnosed with Leukemia ALL at 2y 10m old with a relapse in 2002. He was part of a clinical trial using a chemotherapy drug which caused chronic health problems & concerns. He has liver damage, portal hypertension, chronically low platelets (blood does not clot) in addition to all the other long term concerns & side effects chemotherapy brings. My son has been spoiled and allowed privileges most children do not experience. He uses marijuana DAILY to cope. He is on a (small) private school and doing quite well. He is angry about the hand he has been dealt and does not believe in God because "if there was a God, he would not let children die (from illness)". Needless to say, my guilt for his relationship with his father and his poor health has caused me to give in to most of his wants. Now I find it very hard, if not impossible, to gain control of our lives. The name calling, yelling, holes in the walls, broken bones, etc. are pushing me to the edge. I now believe he is also smoking cigarettes again (or still) which I explained if I ever caught him or find out he is smoking tobacco, that is when I throw in the towel and send him off. Side note: Every person in my family has died from lung cancer associated with cigarette smoking so the chances of him contracting lung cancer is very high. I cannot believe he has such little regard for his well being after all he has been through. We have had LOTS of experience with therapy, none of which proved helpful to him. We have specialized needs and cannot afford or find any experienced therapist which address children with chronic illness. I know he is very depressed. He has very few friends (as of recently) since we moved to a town closer to his school. I feel lost, disorganized and unfocused. All I think about is his safety & mental health. Oh yeah, he skateboards...WITHOUT A HELMET OR PROTECTIVE GEAR. All it would take is a slight head injury to possibly kill him. I am definitely not doing what I should as a parent and am failing him. I cannot threaten him with sending him to his dad's because he says he will kill himself (and, sometimes, me). Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
The stark change of behavior is of concern. Although I have some ideas about your situation,I would strongly recommend that you speak with a counselor about what is happening. As I recommend a counselor I also know "from experience," that there are great counselors and then there are those that aren't worth a dime. I will pray you find a good counselor. I always sought out Christian Counseling .. but even still you can run into those who don't direct you helpfully.
The fighting with his girlfriend may not be all bad - it most likely will end and then your boy will have to decide if he likes the lifestyle he is involved in or if he will return to productive and healthy living.
If he has graduated from high school the best thing you can do is to put boundaries in place for your home .. yes he is no longer a child but he is living at home and must follow household rules .. make sure there are always consequences to bad behavior.
I hope you will also dig into the resources I have placed in the hub. Some of the resources are ads I did not place but may be helpful .. the ones within the hubs ... I recommended .. they are tools to help during this time of craziness.
May God lead you as you seek help in knowing how to deal with this behavior and take care of yourselves too.
Mekenzie
Hi there I need help with a som that has become very difficult to control and his mother and I believe it's his girlfriend that is a bad influence on him he has started lying and now recently stealing from us and this behaviour only started two months after they started dating he want to know nothing bad about her and become very protective over her when we do try to speak to him. He finished school last year and is busy with studies and is failing very badly they forever fighting and his mother and I believe this relationship is distracting, disruptive and distructive to our child. Please help how do we handle it??????
Tahnisha, I am glad that the story encouraged you. When you are in the midst you need all the hope you can find.
I am praying for you dear Mom and for your boy as well.
Hugs!
Mekenzie
Thanks, I really needed that story. I have a 14yoa son who is being rebellious and acting out at this time. I feel if I dont show any tough love, he will never stop. So, Im asking God To help me with this situation.Please pray for my strength to let go and let God
So you are the sister of a rebel teenage brother. I hear your concern and your desire to help. You express great faith in God and knowing He will help .. He will if you continue to seek Him and His help. My daughter's saw what was going on with their brother and chose NOT to ever hurt us, their parents, as they witnessed the deep pain it caused. God Bless you bhavesha ..
HUGS!
Mekenzie
thanx for a wonderful story... keeping my fingers crossed for my teen brother who's in a relationship..and become rebellious against my parents... m going to explain ur story to them .... and now I m sure god is going to help....
roxanne, This is one of my top hubs and I thank God that He has used it to help many a mom or dad who are walking in the shoes I once wore.
I pray your journey goes smoother than mine with my son. Though, as God says, He uses ALL things for our good and He has.
I loved your profile roxanne and saw a kindred heart there .. I too am an avid student of human behavior. Look forward to knowing you better. thanks for your kind words!
Mekenzie
Great Hub! Thank you for sharing such a personal time in your families life. It's clear that you have already helped many and will continue to comfort many more I'm sure! I have survived one daughter who is now 22 years old and we have 2 boys ages 11 and 9 that will be entering the challenging stages Very soon. I read this twice so I wouldn't miss any message I can possible receive. Voted Up and Shared!
Hi Katie, You have your hands full there dear Mom. I had three teens who were diagnosed ADD at the same time. The Doc. that diagnosed them said, to have one child with ADD is like raising three. So I guess I had nine teens at once .. no wonder I was so tired. LOL
I have learned so much more about 'labeling' since the time I wrote this hub. Most Physicians are labeling children after spending only 15 minutes to an hour. They don't even look at the brain for their diagnosis .. Many children are being misdiagnosed and placed on powerful medications.
I'm going to put a link here of a psychologist I respect who has done extensive studies on the brain. He has also created a way to overcome impulsiveness, ADD, ODD, depression, anxiety etc. Here is the link: http://wn.com/Tim_Royer I wish he had been around when my children were young.
If you'd like to inbox me for encouragement or support, inbox me with the link under my name.
Hi y'all. I am from Queensland Australia. I have enjoyed and gleaned lots of useful info from reading this website. Even after reading many parenting books, emotional regulation in the face of crisis, coupled with high expectations is so difficult. It's like getting swept into a tornado instead of standing firm. My dilemma is a 15 year old with Aspergers, ADHD and a diagnosis of ODD which basically means he is very difficult to work with and defiant. We have had so much struggle with this adorable boy since he was 2 years old. I feel out of control because he is doing what he wants and constantly is disrespecting myself and his siblings with blatant disobedience over basic chores, bullying and rude language. He is on medication, but even so life is really tough with him. We aim to consequence his behaviour, but he isn't even cooperative with that, and it just seems like we are on this merry-go-round (carousel) of bad, rebellious behaviour. How do we reach a kid who seems to have very little neurological control...unless we reward or bribe him with what he wants?? (and we don't have much surplus money either)? Life just seems to hard to continue this. Did I mention he has 5 siblings also? We have 4 teens at the moment? He was baptised a year ago, with his mental immaturity hasn't learned that self-control and consequential behaviour necessary to live a Christian walk.
Katie
Dorian, I hear your frustration dear Mom. I'm wondering if you read the whole hub. I did have strong boundaries in place and I did discipline for bad behavior.
It was only when I had done all I knew to do as a mom that I Let go and Let God.
A child must have a consequence when he/she misbehaves or the behavior will continue and get worse. Disrespect was always met with a consequence .. today, since my son has come back to God and us .. he tells us he had the best parent's in the world. He knew if he acted up that he would receive a consequence ... He's an awesome man today, and there were some reasons for his behavior that we did not get at the time. Nonetheless, Bad behavior was never tolerated.
The resources I have listed above could be so helpful to you. If you are consistent with consequences and she continues to be out of control, you might look at her diet. Many kids react to sugar, white flour, food dye, etc.
Your six year old must never feel that she is in control and has 'power.' She must always see you as the authority and submit to your instructions. Children need boundaries. All children push the boundaries, when they do they need to know the boundaries are there. It provides security to know where the line is and that Mom is very strong ... the child needs to know, Mom loves me but will not ever tolerate disrespect.\
If I can help you further, feel free to inbox me.
Blessings!
Mekenzie
I just don't understand when people say let go and let God. I'm not supposed to discipline the bad behavior. My mother tells me not to seek help because I'm not waiting on God. I've been waiting on God for many years, even just for direction, and I don't hear him. I'm tired and ready to give up. My mother is the type where something major has to happen before she can see what's really going on. My daughter is 6 and was such a good baby. I don't know what is going on.
Tammy, I can relate to every raw emotion you expressed. I too felt so weak and like I could not go on. My husband did not know what to do with my son's rebellion and took an authoritarian approach .. the worst approach you can take with a child in rebellion. I'm thinking, with your husband's background, that is probably what you are dealing with too. Not sure how teachable your husband is, but this phrase turned on a light for my husband .. "Discipline without relationship equals Rebellion." My husband was very busy and had not developed a close relationship with my son - therefore he had not earned the right to discipline him. When the rebellion came out it was all targeted at him.
When my son was out of control I learned to be quiet and listen to him .. his anger would decrease and come to a place where he could listen to me. It was the hardest time of my life Tammy - but have hope, there is a light at the end of the tunnel - don't give up. By the grace of God, we made it through.
Te stress was taking it's toll on our marriage too. It is hard to be objective in the midst of such a storm. The statistics prove that such pressure often ends in divorce. I deliberately brought myself to the place of remembering why I married my husband. I actually sat down with a piece of paper and wrote out all of the strengths and positives he possessed in one column .. in the other column the negatives. The positives and strengths were still there and they far outweighed the negatives - so I hung in there. Years later I am so glad we have weathered the storm. My husband is growing and learning more about the importance of relationships. My son and husband have a respect toward each other .. still not close but I believe they will be some day.
A class that my husband and I both attend, Life Skills, helped us so much during our emotional crisis. The class is not directly about teens but about how the things that happen to us in childhood and puberty affect us to this day. Best teaching on developing emotional health that I have ever heard.
As far as counseling .. Bravo - keep trying. We never found the right counselor .. or it may be that my son did not want help at the time. After he had gotten to an emotionally and spiritually sound place we invited him to go to Life Skills with us. He did and after one of the classes he said "Life Skills is saving my life - ya don't even know." If you need more info. I'll help you find a group.
As far as consequences .. my husband and I were on the same page. I even prayed he'd get caught if he was involved in anything illegal etc. I knew deep inside that if he did not suffer the consequences of his actions he would go down FAST and most likely end up a criminal! My son has thanked me for the clear boundaries we set because he knew there would always be consequences if he screwed up. In fact, sadly I have witnessed the opposite of holding a child accountable for their actions. I know of a girl in her early 20's whose mom continually protects and shields her from consequences. This young lady has not held a job in 7 years .. her mother is raising her children. This girl has been in and out of jail and on and off drugs. Though consequences are very painful to watch ... they must occur or your son will never learn.
If I can help support you .. I want you to know I am here. Inbox me if you'd like.
God Bless and Guide you Dear Mom
Mekenzie
MissJamie, Thank you for your encouraging comment. If you gleaned one bit of help from this hub, then my writing was not in vain. God Bless you and keep you close to His heart.
Mekenzie
This is such a great hub! Thank you for sharing it here, you've made me see some things that hadn't seen previously, about teenagers and not forgetting your other children. It's unfortunate that teens have to go through all of this too. Sadly it's a prevelant fact in this world,but it's nice to know, when you're dancing in this fire, that the Glory of God can help guide you!
I'm sitting here in tears. My precious "little boy" who once had such a love for life and for all around him has become someone I don't know anymore. He's been through so much in the past three years, including losing a grandparent, then 2 months later his little brother was born deaf, we've moved three times, and his life seems to be spiraling out of control. Just two nights ago, I had the same conversation with God. In face, I've been having that conversation, saying that prayer, PLEASE HELP MY SON, PLEASE TAKE CONTROL, for a good amount of time now. Last year he was kicked off the freshman football team and suspended from school before school even started. From there he continued to be defiant and get in trouble at school and failed nearly all his classes. We decided that wasn't a good environment for him and he is now repeating his freshman year at a new high school, a Catholic one. He smoked pot for the first time this summer and has been using tobacco products. He became defiant with his father (for the umpteenth time) and was taken to juvi for the night after trying to run away. We thought that was our turning point - the point he'd wake up. He did for awhile, and even though the court says 'we'll drop all charges, just stay on the right track for 90 days", he can't do it! We found more tobacco and more pot hidden in his room and he continues to not follow the rules. My husband wants to take him back to court for consequences, I want to get him help. My son needs help and I don't think the courts are going to provide it. I feel they're going to slap another charge on him, maybe an ankle monitor, which is all going to bring him down more. My son has opened up to me recently and definitely has depression issues. I feel like he's been locked in this house for over a year now (from his own actions), he has no privileges and it just keeps spiraling downward. My 17 year marriage is falling apart because we completely disagree with how to handle him (my husband is a cop and ex-military), my 11 year old daughter struggles with it all, and I have a deaf 3 year old who needs me too. Today is our first counseling appt with yet another counselor AND we're going to see our priest. I don't know what to do and I feel like my life is falling apart and at a time I need to stand up and be the strong one, I feel so weak. Thank you for your article. I'm going to look for a support group in our area. Maybe I am trying to control too much. Maybe I need to "let go and Let God".
PrairiePrincess, Glad you found this blog. I've met many, many, many parent's in the same situation. I wrote this hub in hopes of helping other parent's going through the nightmare. I've listed some great resources that helped me at the time.
I'll pray for you all .. very stressful .. if you ever want to inbox me .. please do. :)
God Bless!
Mekenzie
Mekenzie, this hub is very timely for me and I ran into while reading another one on teenagers.
We are experiencing this problem right now. I am a stepmom and my sixteen year old son lives with us. It's very difficult sometimes. I love your stories and will show these to my husband. Thanks and take care.
Hello Bloom, thank you for the heads-up on the link. I was so excited that tough love was going online to help struggling parent's but it looks like they are not up yet. They were an AWESOME resource, encouragement and mediator for us during my son's rebellious years.
You asked if I had any other resources. I would highly recommend Heartlight, a Christian Ranch for troubled teens. I think I will add them as a resource to this hub. Daniel spent about 9 mos. with them and made good progress. Mark and Jan Gregston are in charge of Hearlight Ministries - An awesome couple. My only regret is taking Daniel out before he was ready. Here is a link to their website: http://www.heartlightministries.org/
I am so glad to learn about therapeutic placement consultants. I was not prepared to go through this horrific upheaval in our family. When you are the parent standing helplessly by you so desperately need support and resources. I will head over to your page to learn more about you all. God bless you for the vital role you play in helping families to survive while helping their teen to get the help they need.
Mekenzie
Excellent writing, Mekenzie. I'm not sure if you're keeping this article "live" but just an fyi: the ToughLove link goes to a page that says "We'll be back soon" yet is copyrighted 2010, so not sure if it's coming back.... Do you have any more similar resources?
Also, I'd like to highlight your message of "Giving up control". It is often extremely difficult for people to give up control of something precious, especially when they are connected to it so tightly. This is a million-fold more difficult when giving up control between a parent and a child! Who wants to just hand their child over to some random stranger, just because they claim to have all of the answers?
There are professionals out there called therapeutic placement consultants. These are people who's sole function is to root out the best options for a struggling, out-of-control, or otherwise defiant child or young adult. Their services run from educational testing all the way through to much-needed help during a crisis situation. In fact, we just wrote our first hub on the topic. It's called "The Best Way to Help a Struggling Teen: Hire a Therapeutic Consultant". Granted, not everyone needs to hire a therapeutic consultant! If, however, you're a parent at the end of your rope, it is something to consider.
Thanks again for sharing, Mekenzie! I'm thankful that everything seems to have worked out for your son and family! :)
Oh dear lolly, my eyes are filled with tears after reading your words. When I think of my situation compared to yours, I see you have two additional factor's playing a huge role in your boy's life. Drugs .. which can totally change the personality of the one you love .. the drugs take control of the user ... you also have a father who is not out for your son's best interest. I can see how overwhelmed and deeply pained you are dear lolly .. My heart cries out to God to come to your rescue.
The best advise I can give you is to surround yourself with people who have been there and can support you through this. I have listed resources above .. please research them. The Total Transformation Program is awesome ... I highly recommend Tough Love .. but I just checked their website and found they are not up and running yet .. I sent them a note to ask when they plan to be up.
In the meantime, if you would like to write me via inbox, I would be happy to be a listening ear and a friend to you .. I believe you have been a good mom .. there comes a time that kids separate and choose their own path. You can be comforted in knowing that the things you have planted in his heart are still there. As he get's older, he will remember them.
I totally relate to your feelings of not sensing God is answering your prayers. Don't give up .. He does hear and He will work in ways you cannot imagine. Daniel told me, years later, of situations I did not have a clue about .. where God sent Christians to him .. He didn't change for years but he was very aware that God was chasing him down.
I will pray for Colby and I will pray for you too dear lolly. Now, sweet Mom get in the proactive stance and check out the resources to get the support you desperately need right now.
Sending you HUGS and Prayers,
Mekenzie
My son began using drugs 5 months ago (he's 17). His personality changed completely. The drugs seemed to numb his feelings. I've raised him by myself because his father walked out on us when he was 5 years old and he's never had much time for our son so my son has grown up with a lot of emotional pain. My ex is an alcoholic of 40 years and is very cruel and controlling. I have been the best mom I could possibly be to my son - I was 41 years old when I gave birth to him and have always felt he was a gift from God. He was a good kid but always had problems at school, ie, he wouldn'
t do his homework, study for tests, do projects. Still, I always found the best schools he could attend. He ran away 5 months ago for 3 days. I looked for him 3 days straight and found him and brought him home. He continued to use drugs at home and kept promising me he was going to stop. About the time I found someone to help him, he ran away to his father who has never had time for him. My ex has always hated me - he hates all his exwives - I was wife #3. His 4th wife committed suicide 3 months ago and he got my son when my son was very vunerable. He has gotten my son to hate me also and my son has no respect for me. I've wanted to die from the pain this has caused me. My son and I have always been so close and I've done so much to raise him by myself. I am in a deep depression and feel so hopeless and helpless. It hurts so much to feel that he has no respect for me and doesn't love me. His father is letting him use drugs and is enticing him with things I cannot afford. He also stopped paying me child support even though he is court ordered to do so. My world has been turned upside down. He still has 1 1/2 years to graduate from HS. I have prayed - cried out to God - waited - given up - gotten angry - it's been horrible. PLS - I need prayers. I don't feel that God is listening to me and I hate this feeling. My son's name is Colby. I miss him so very much - my heart feels like it's been ripped out of me.
lolly
Dear Lucy, Are you getting some support? If not, let me encourage you to do so ... it's time. I remember the feelings of exhaustion. A skilled counselor or a group like tough love will give you support and direction on how to handle your one son ... it's not fair to the family that everyone must walk on eggshells for one member - we only get one shot at making our homes a 'safe place' for our growing family's needs. Everyone needs a place to fall and to rest and rejuvenate. It can change but you'll need resources to consult.
One of the reasons I wrote this article was to share some of the resources available. I thank God for the support we had from friends, a Christian Counselor, a Pastor and the direction we were given through Tough Love.
May God direct your path as you Seek to help this son and also provide a healthy environment for your home. Go for it Mom. If you need someone to talk to feel free to contact me via the in-box on this page.
HUGS!
Mekenzie
My family walks on eggshells around one of my sons. I have given this to GOD so many times. I am exhausted. He probably is too. But this boy is ruining everything in our house.
Jo, I can so relate to your feelings of helplessness. I am so glad you are being drawn nearer to God because, as you say, the bottom line is God himself who loves him more than anything in this world and nothing else matters.
You also said, "although I gave birth to my son I don't own him and I cannot control everything about him most especially his mind and his emotion." I wrote a poem here on the hubs that expresses this sentiment .. I think you'd enjoy reading it. Here is the link: http://hubpages.com/hub/My-Son-His-Son
Your son is not really rejecting you dear mom .. he is mixed up and confused ... it's about him right now. I know it sure feels like rejection. Some day, when he grows up, he will remember ALL you have done for him. In the meantime, keep praying and trusting God ... He is worthy of all our trust.
Sending a prayer to God for your boy today ... God hears and cares deeply!
Hugs!
Mekenzie
Your story is very close to home but the last part of it is what inpired me the most. I have a teenage son who decided to leave. I have full custody of him but being rebellious and defiant he decided to live with his father where he can do just about anything. I tried my best to keep in touch but he would only contact me when he needs something. It has been a year now since he left. Our few encounters from time to time always end up in arguments. I am very sad and feel helpless all the time. I feel that I am rejected by my own son despite the sacrifices I had done for him during his formative years in order to provide a stable home. I became both a father and a mother him, the soccer Mom, the tutor, the driver, travelling buddy, the cook, and a friend (because at one point we were very close and are very open to each other's feelings). I have given him the stability that even other complete(mother and father present)home cannot provide, and yet that was not enough. I came closer to God as a result of this dilemma. I had no support even from my own immediate family. My dreams for him have all been shuttered, but coming close to my Creator I felt the relief that although I gave birth to my son I don't own him and I cannot control everything about him most especially his mind and his emotion. Everyday, I feel a connection although I don't have any clue what he is doing or what he is up to for the day, it's because I ask God everyday to connect with him. My main connection with him is God the father. I ask that God to open the eyes of his heart so that He shall see God himself who loves him more than anything in this world. This is the bottom line of our existence, nothing else matters. That is what I feel for myself. My loving father, no matter how rebellious I could be always welcome me back. I found peace in this chaotic situation and sometimes I just have to release everything to God because no matter what advices other people give, God has the ultimate control of our situation. Thank you for sharing your encouraging story.
Lisa,
You are on the best path I know, which is listening for God's voice .. "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you." Pray much and listen carefully before making decisions .. God has the answers. I had to come to the end of myself to really understand this.
Your background sounds similar to mine. Both of my parents were alcoholic's, I have written hubs about the pain from those years at home. God rescued me out of that homelife and gave me a new life. Praise God you have a supportive husband, that IS a blessing! If you want to keep in touch you may email me with the option on this hub. I'll be praying for your family.
Blessings!
Mekenzie,
Thank you so much for you words, I am a christian and I am trying to listen to God for guidance, I am going to try and find a support group in my area. My nephew is doing okay, he is not a bad influence on my little boy, he is just a bad influence on himself. Even though he is my nephew, he was raised by my mother, his grandmother. I am trying to help him which is not easy, my mother has been an alcoholic for years and I am trying to to teach him a different way of living. I have a great husband and am very blessed. Thank you again!
Lisa, you are in the midst of a storm and my heart goes out to you. As far as opinions or comments, the article was written to give you tools. Look at the resources I have listed and please do what you can to get ahold of them. I went to a tough love group which helped me immensely to draw firm boundaries and also gave me a soft place to fall. I have tough love listed above, they are planning to have an online support group which is awesome. The more support and tools you have around you the stronger you will be. Doesn't mean your heart won't still break .. The pain in my heart felt unbearable, but our son tells us today that the firm boundaries we held forced him to grow up.
As I wrote in this hub, my relationship with God pulled me through and He was and is so faithful.
As far as your nephew goes, it is an awesome tribute to you that you are reaching out to help him .. a word of warning .. if he is a negative infuence in any way to your five year old, your first priority must be her and protecting her.
I will pray for you as you also face chemo.
May God Direct, Bless and Keep YOU!
Mekenzie
Ugh, I am dealing with an out of control 21 year old who cannot make it on her own, she drinks and constantly lies. She has been arrested about six times these past two years for dwi, theft, and tickets. I am at my wits end with her and I let her move in again, which I greatly regret and told her she could not stay here anymore. I am undergoing chemotherapy for post treatment of cancer and have a five year old and an eighteen year old nephew we are trying to help! I can't take anymore of her. Any opinions comments?
Michelle, thank you so much for dropping by. I KNOW how painful it is to see your, once beautiful boy, turn to rebellion and ugliness. I have a couple of suggestions for you. It is important as he goes through the rebellion that you make sure that you have consequences in place. He must never feel you are helpless,but this is your house and he is expected to contribute. I did not allow my son to swear .. I did allow him to raise his voice to express his frustration. If he swore in the house .. he was told in a very strong voice .. You go for a walk and if you cool down you may come back in to continue this discussion. If he bad mouths you on FB .. take his computer privileges away. Behavior you don't address is likely to remain. If he is allowed to bully you he will not respect you either.
Just as God disciplines us because He loves us, we too must discipline our children when they are disrespectful or rebellious. It took years for my son to come around and it was one of the greatest pains of my life. But Dan thanked us later for NOT allowing him to Act out without a consequence, he respected us for it. He said when we said no .. we meant it. I am proud of this son today .. he has a BIG heart for God. Hang in there Michelle, you will need to run to God for wisdom. Also please check out the resources I have listed above .. you need all the support you can get.
May God lead and bless you!
Mekenzie
Hi Mekenzie, in the pass few minutes, I'm discouraged and angry with my son who is 13 this year. He has always been a very lovely boy and very close to me. Until beginning of last year he started to be disobedient and started to talk to me rudely when he wasn't happy to get things done that he should. He will rebel whenever he was asked to do things he is unwilling. He will write on Facebook or SMS his friends how badly we treat him and forced him to do things he doesn't want. And worst how he hate us and sometime using vulgar to scold us. ( he dislike others to use vulgarity...yet) it hurts. I've been praying that God take full control. After reading your testimony, I belief God is in control and all will come to pass. My son will be a great man for God in time to come. We as parents just need to be patient and wait and pray.
Defiant teenagers need specialized help and moral support to overcome emotional, behavioral and psychological disorders. Professional counselor recommends exceptional recovery programs for unmotivated youths to gain valuable life skills. My son was also very rebellious in past but now after joining camp program he is totally recovered. I want to thank camp programs and counselors. Parents of struggling kids can send them to wilderness camp programs for recuperation.
suny, welcome friend! You have MUCH to be thankful for. I have two daughters that I did NOT have struggles with. My son now is a grown man who makes me very proud. I thank God for my kids!
Mekenzie
I am the most lucky father in this world Mekenzie,thats what I think,when ever I think of my daughter,although she is thousands of kilometers away,married ,but I always remember her in my lap as a kid of few months old,Thank you for reminding once more.
ralwus, yeah ... you came to visit again! You say the sweetest things to me ... makes my heart smile. Parenting was tough .. it certainly is not for the faint at heart. I know what you mean about an instruction manual .. My Daniel was definately wired differently .. BUT today he is such a wonderful Dad and Husband .. it's amazing grace .. that's what it is. Thanks for the read and the encouragement! Love Ya Rawlus
I'm glad to only be the grandpa now. Parenting is might tough and it comes with no instruction booklet except the Bible. That was the one I used. We need more parents like you. Bless ya mom.
loria, you are too funny girl! You can thank God you've not been through that. One of the toughest experiences of my lifetime. BUT .. God did good things in my heart in the process teaching me to trust Him and take my hands off. Thanks for stopping by sweet lady! Blessings
Being "allergic to children," I can't say that I've been through that, but I can imagine the frustration.
Bless you dear tobey ... :-)
He was truly lucky then to have you as his mom!
tobey, the thing is .. Daniel was a very respectful, though strong willed, child. He was honest and delightfully busy. His 'flipping out' at age 12 threw me for a loop. Never dreamed I'd have to deal with this kind of rebellion .. not in a million years ...
I feel like it almost killed me! and the fiesty part ... God worked much patience in me during that time because my son needed me to be calm ... firm and unbending YES .. but patient and listening as he worked the rage out of himself. Years later we learned of a trauma that happened to him .. at the root of this ... again never in a million years ... it's been like a nightmare. But, God gives you wisdome and grace when you seek Him. For some of us ... it takes a lot longer to get to the place where we give it over to Him .. He's got the answers - He loves my son more than I could possibly even imagine. :)
I'm not too sure I good have handled it Mek. I've been very, very lucky in that all of my boys have exceptional young men. They've acted up their fair share for sure but they've always been respectful and just flat out good kids. You must be one 'fiesty'gal!
troubled youth, Thank you for stopping by. I just updated with more information I hope will help others parents .. living the nightmare.
Informative hub. Thanks for posting with helpful information for troubled parents to find out useful information. The mentioned resources and tips are helpful to deal with today's troubled teenagers. Keep posting with informative content.
becca, I'm so glad you found this post on twitter. I don't believe it was by accident. I definately know the confusion, disappoiment and broken heart that comes with having such a son. God Bless the Navy command for giving your husband leave - you need him. Did you see the resources I listed above ... to the right of the topic 'What to do.' The Tough Love Link is a webpage for people joining together to form a Tough Love Group Online. My husband and I went to a local Tough Love Group and they were invaluable ... they helped us set up boundaries and also helped us know what kind of consequences to give when the boundary was violated. The tough love leaders were even there during crisis and would guide us through.
Our son was very defiant and angry... I knew I could not allow that in our house ... he had younger sisters watching and learning what he could get away with..... so what I did was to state in a very firm voice - you may NOT disrespect me! You need to go outside and take a walk ... when you are ready to talk to me with respect we'll try again.
I insisted he go out the door... he slammed it sometimes - but he went out and when he came back it was with a new attitude... He thanked me for that later. My son is doing GREAT today .. He is an exceptional husband and Dad - the grace of God. I hope that encourages you. So many had given up on him .. I never did .. I clung to God and believed He would bring my son through .. although it almost killed me :-)
becca, please feel free to write .. I would like to be an encouragement and listener for you... Next to my profile you'll see a link to write me - it will go to my email box and then we can talk back and forth. You will make it dear one - don't give up ... God will make a way, when there seems to be no way... Love and Prayers!
Hi Mekenzie,
I found your post through twitter and I must say, it is timely. My 18 yr old son (our oldest of 4) has always been a difficult one to raise. He bucks against most authority and is very disrespectful in our home. Recently he was caught shoplifting, but the police were not called. Instead they let him call me. Now I am left to come up with a punishment that fits this crime and gives him a wake up call. My husband is a naval officer and is scheduled to deploy for 14 months. His command is letting him have a hardship transfer so that he can be come home during this difficult time and we can handle Zach's transition into adulthood together. I definitely feel at my wits end. he is not prepared to live outside our home and yet he is making our homelife miserable. I guess I am needing to find out exactly how to let a child like him go. He has no direction, no plans for the future, no high school diploma yet, no car and barely makes $400 a month at his job. Do I just lift my hands from him and ignore all the things he does in order to keep peace or do we kick him out and hope that he finds better than a park bench to lay his head on at night. We have had the "straighten up and fly right" talk a million times. We have expressed our love and concern for his future a million times. We have made new starts and given third forth and fifth chances and still, we are getting nowhere and seeing little to no lasting change in him. We have raised him in a christian home, but he is far from in a close relationship with God.
I am just so so confused, disappointed and heart broken over the whole thing. Please keep us in your prayers!
Yes Chris, one thing I learned for sure was patience. I learned that if I got angry in response to his anger or behavior - disaster followed ... and he spiraled out of control ... but if I would just listen and NOT react I could visably watch the anger and tension dissapate to a place where we could then talk. I realized that his world was out of control and he desperately needed me to be in control of myself ... I'm not sure I could have learned this self control any other way. The driving force was a heart of love to reach my son. I'm glad to know what Pig Parenting means - It is definately a counter productive way to parent a child. I react to parents who raise their kids in such an authoritarian "PIGISH" way. Thanks for your comments - you are a man of keen insight and I appreciate your thoughts!
MeKenzie I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that God Had to do a work within you. That old saying "God works in strange ways," could never be more applicable. Perhaps God permitted your son's difficult behavior in order to develop the strength of character, and emotional constitution you gained as a result. Those very struggles(trials) enabled the Lord to build that solid spiritual (psychological) foundation which you needed to become such a talented writer. The term "Pig Parenting" referred to the old fashioned bullying techniques parents used, and many still do which ultimately causes an alienation rather than bonding with their children. Unconditional love, talking and communicating seems to get the best results.
Thanks brother Chris, Not familiar with the term "pig parents" .. not sure what it means. My intense love for my son combined with his 'out of control lifestyle' was shattering my belief that I could provide stability and security for all my children. When I had used up all my resources and gave up trying to 'fix him' - God simply cut the strings of emotions .. it was ... what I like to call ... "a God thing." He began to heal me and work wonders in Dan's life. Thanks for the encouragement Chris!
Excellent article Mekenzie! You simply decided to "let go and let God." That's really about all you can do. Too many parents push their teenage children further away by being what used to be referred to, in pop psychology, as "pig parents." It doesn't work. You did the right thing by turning it over to the one who is "closer to us than our breath." Nice work!
Dear creativeone - I guess I didn't cover the ending of my story (though I didn't personalize it - guess you figured me out.) My son was my out-of-control teen. We were so affected by his behavior - it threw our life into a horrendous nightmare.... BUT, with lots of prayer and God's grace he is a young man that I am PROUD to call son. He loves God with a passion and is an unbelievable husband and dad...
Great story, but pray and keep keep your hands in Gods and maybe suggest she read some of my hubs, she might like and understand some of them. God is greater that all the thing that we go through in Life; I know because I've been there. I pray that God fix your problem. thanks for sharing . creativeone59
Mekenzie Hub Author 2 weeks ago
MaidinOzz, I am so glad to know about these groups. I did not know toughlove international closed, no wonder I've had such a hard time trying to find them.
I placed a link to an online tough love group but they have not made the site live; I found it about a year ago. I'm going to research these websites. Thank you so much for the information, I really appreciate and so will my readers.
God Bless You!
Mekenzie